The Rise of Def

I was going through my pictures as a teenager, about 5 or 6 years ago, one of the pictures stopped me, it spoke to me, it asked to remember the good days that I had with some of my friends, or enemies I can say, I remembered not even one good memory of them, but the bad ones, where they bullied me, mocked me and made fun of me and dissed me. I skipped through all the pictures trying to remember at least one good memory with these people, I decided to go back in time and remember how it started.

I was 11 years when we moved to a new country, still learning to walk, yes learning to walk at the age of 11 – a long story I don’t need to explain – the first people I met were the guys in my neighborhood, I have to admit I was new to those people, a new kid in the neighborhood and with a disability – a Martian. Days flew by and I never had the guts to talk to them – I had enough school-friends – but one day I decided to make new friends, so I told my sister to come with me as for she was already friends with their sisters, and so my sister spoke to the little kids to be friends with, The Martian, me. It was easier than I thought, we became friends, good friends for a while. As we grew older to being teenagers, they started to hate me, discriminate me, although protect me from anyone who bullied me from outside their community. I remember one day two guys, in my neighborhood too, bullied me, hit me and made fun of everything God hasn’t gave me – my ability to walk properly and pronounce some letters – yes, I started shouting, screaming and crying trying to defend myself, and so my friends came in, shouted furiously at them and hit them to the ground and took me away. I thought all the hatred was created by me, I thought it was false, I thought I was exaggerating, but what I thought wasn’t real. Days went by and I found out that they really hate me, hated me for being a Martian, I couldn’t go to these hood fights, or play the “ding n’ ditch” or even play soccer, I was useless to them, all I did was talk, that’s not what they want from a friend so they started to dis me, bully me, and put me to the ground.

Tears falling off my face as I’m writing these thoughts, trying to remember more of what happened, Eminem’s music in my ears playing loud helping me remember that he was the one to give me enough guts and strength to face those people and be thankful to them because I used my enemies’ words as strength. Now I know that if all this hadn’t happened I would never be able to connect words like crosswords, and be strong enough to face everything in my life and this was the rise of Def.

Snap back to the hood and what happened, one day I was fed up from all what happened, locked myself in my room with music in my ear and started to think of what shall I do to end all this, it’s either I fight back, stay at home so I won’t face them, or – yes, commit suicide – but something made me feel stronger, a voice in my head telling me that the last two choices are what they want, they wanted to destroy me and the voice wanted to rebuild me, he was telling me that I should stand up on my feet and feed them what they fed and prove to myself, first, and them that I am strong enough to not give up, “name is Def btw, from defensive” he said as he gave me his hand and gave me a tap on my back and whispered “from this day on, I will be here for you”.

The next day came, I was excited to go down and see them and get bullied – yes get bullied and show them the lion in me – and so the night came and I stood with them and chatted till they started to mock me again, I got all excited and anxious, but here was the surprise – not only they were surprised, I was surprised too. Every word they said ricocheted off of me and glued to them, yes all of them, they held and an AK-47 but I held an M16, and a rocket launcher ready for the final blow, they kept telling me things I hated to hear but I amused them with the rocket launcher, boom! I fired it and faded to the blackness. Became a successful motivational speaker, writer and an activist, with a huge social circle. Surprised, not only to see they now clap for me, but they’re in the front row.

People grow up I witnessed, change to better, they are not now what they were. Before ending this with a full stop, go to the people who dissed you, hated you and bullied you, because without them, you could never have become strong.

The End of Depression

P.S:- Def is my inner self. When I think, it’s between dashes, and Def hears me. When Def thinks it’s neither quoted nor put between anything and I hear him. When I or Def speak out loud, it’s quoted and depression hears us. 

And once again, on my laptop I am, music in my ears as loud as possible, fingers swinging between the letters trying to jot down what’s in my head on paper, or screen. Once again that damn depression hits, but this time it hits her not me, and in synchronize hits me too. I’m helpless, I’m weak, and never good enough to face him, but I have to kill him, burn him once and for all, terminate him, make sure he doesn’t come back to me, or her. Music touching my soul, fingers going faster, heart beating faster as more words are getting out of my head to describe the situation. I scream as loud as a furious lion in his face with harsh words in a fearless tone – superior strength hits me all of sudden – I mumble some words only demons understand, from where did I get this language, but never mind as long as it makes him stare at me shocked and in fear. That’s the first time I see him, black and huge, about 20 feet tall, spikes around his body, and within every spike he holds a weakness of me – oh crap I’m doomed, but I feel stronger than ever before, it’s like I’m not alone – yes it’s me, Def says – Def is my other side, my right hand, it’s the first I see him though, he’s all blue and red, looks like furious flame, destroyable not.

Depression stands in fear throwing a spike at me, Def takes this shot and bites on it and speaks in sarcasm while clapping “this weakness no longer exist, but good shot my friend”, Depression throws 2 more spikes this time – he gets weaker with every shot – Def lets me take these shots – okay, what do I do now? – I put my hand in the air and hold the spikes and crack them like cracking a Pepsi can, laughing I said “man, you’re old-school” – okay I feel that no weakness exists in me no more – yes, says Def to me.

Def decides to defend no more, with a furious smile he jumps, picks up a sword made of light and buries it in depression, removes it asking me to do it – WHAT MAN! I CAN’T DO THIS – just do it, he says. I stand up holding the sword, I jump higher than ever, bury the sword in depression as I see him fade away, once and for all finally.

Finally now Def decides to join me, unite and be one, he hands me his soul and puts it in my heart so I can be stronger than I ever was, and before I wake up from my subconscious, “thank you depression for making me stronger”.

Walls that speak…

Alone in a room between four walls, I stood staring at each wall for about 15 minutes, that made stare in them for an hour right? And so I stared again for about 20 minutes each and that made me stare in them for about an hour and 20 minutes, but why am I doing this? Am I crazy you might think, but these walls spoke to me, they kept saying words I didn’t understand, I tried to catch up with their lips to get what they said but they were so damn fast, I stopped and closed my eyes and ears and repeated this so called ‘staring process’, but how can I stare in something without even seeing it, hold up! I can now get what they’re saying, they’re telling me that I don’t have to see something to be able to stare at it, and a voice from behind me surprisingly appears to speak, but how can I hear him with my eyes shut? Is this a kind of illusion or something? Okay… things are getting weird over here… the voice finally says something “you must use your heart to see, hear and even speak, go ahead try it”.

And so I shut my mouth too, but I can’t talk, how I will be able to spe… hold on! If I can see without looking, and hear without listening then I can speak without talking, right? I can see the walls nodding their heads as a sign of agreement. Wow!! That’s amazing, who would’ve ever thought that someone might actually learn from the walls, unlike the thought that they just give support to the ceiling to prevent it from falling.

As I open my eyes I find myself in a different room, a room full of paintings, and so I decided so shut my eyes, ears and mouth and try to apply what I learned. I hear voices but see only darkness, the voices speak in turns to me and tell me to paint them a picture, so I open my eyes to paint – one must see what he paints – and so I paint a picture that looks hideous to me, close my eyes and hand it over to the person who gave me the paper, he looks at me and speaks in a voice full of shame, anger and wisdom and says “you have used your eyes to paint, now shut your eyes and imagine a scene and paint it and don’t open them till you’re done” and so I do what I was told, he hands a paper and the tools and with my eyes shut I spend 15 minutes portraying what I saw on paper, and when I’m done, I open my eyes to see what I drew, it’s fascinating, to a beginner. I close my eyes to hand back the paper he looks at it, smiles and replies impressively “always use your heart to do everything, never paint, play music or even speak without using your heart, you might hurt somebody, and that’s not something you want, right?” I nod my head in agreement as I open my eyes slowly to leave back to my room.

*Note:- i wrote this one shot, no stopping, no reviewing… Thank You 😀 

Emptiness…

I look around me for clues, emptiness only I find, I only hear the sound of silence… yes I can hear it telling me to look in the emptiness, to not give up. Yet, people around me begging to give up, stop looking and stop trying… but no, they can never stop me and they can never bring me down. I turn up the sound of silence by simply closing my ears to enter the world of silence, and look deeper for clues in the emptiness, clues about the reason I was put on earth, why was I put on earth as a Martian, yes I am a Martian, created in a unique – some say hideous – way but I think I was born unique, and that’s what’s important, me, and only me.

I close my eyes to look for clues in the emptiness and I find light, yes light in emptiness, but this is uncanny, how can it be, light in the emptiness, but all these years I thought that emptiness means darkness and that light can’t survive in there. And so I walk, wait! I walk? I asked anxiously, the sound of silence replied determined “you control emptiness, you create it, you build it and you demolish it, too” I looked around me and wondered, why would I look in emptiness for clues if I’m the one in control? Waiting for the reply I hear footsteps, and I look for the sound in fear and then the sound of silence replies “yes, the emptiness is your creation and that’s the reason why I told you to look for clues in it, you will only find what you exactly want there.” Yes, he’s right, I will only find what I want, the footsteps are getting louder and louder and accordingly I’m getting more scared, stood in silence I waited to see who is that in my emptiness, I heard her voice, yes it’s a ‘she’, I see a hand coming towards me, trying to take me away to the light. We walked together in silence, her face was unclear, and so I waited for the sound of silence to give me an answer about this woman, but silent he remained. Walking together as I look around in my emptiness I see my childhood being built as I walk by, just like when going deeper in someone’s timeline on Facebook – photos and life events being brought to you from this exact moment till the day you were born. The woman finally speaks right before we stepped into the light and said softly “I must leave you now, bye”, I didn’t have the time to ask her name or even say goodbye before she disappeared into pink smoke.

As soon as I step into the light I wake up, alarm clock ringing, birds singing and an answer I haven’t even got, I tried dropping into sleep again just to go look for clues again, but the sound of silence talked to me for one last time “you had a chance to look for clues but you chose to follow your lust and go with that woman, and where have she got you? Nowhere! You, humans, always choose relationships and forget life’s real purpose” and he went away, too.

How to support us, the people with physical disabilities…

You may be probably asking yourself “what’s the use of this post?” but by support i don’t mean financially, it doesn’t have to be something touched.. you support us by accepting us, and not acting as if you live alone on this planet… many things happen to me that annoy me, and if you STOP doing that, you show us acceptance…

1. Using the elevator without having a trolley, while you can use the escalator!!
2. Giving us that weird look, that makes us feel we’re from another planet!
3. Parking in the space for people with disabilities with having everyone with great physical abilities!!
4. Judging us depending on our disabilities not on our successes!!
5. Trying to pass a driver with a disability not respecting that we might have slow reaction!

You can also support us by trying as much as you can to understand how we feel when you do anything of the above, and how great-full and thankful we will be if you STOPPED doing at least one, and you can also support us by reaching our voice to the public, to people who can financially support, and build ramps everywhere we need them…

Thank You for reading 😀

“It was ability that mattered, not disability, which is a word I’m not crazy about using.”

-Marlee Matlin

Everyone is different, but we’re different in a special way 😉